i spent too much engery onit

holy shit. awkward. haha. i hope that doesnt happen again. i dont like being somewhere i feel like im helllaaaa disliked. i mean, i know and understand why but i still hella dont want to be here. sorry. as much as it's cool to hang out with you. this was helllaa weird for me.

Baby, you're my everything

you're all i've ever wanted

but lately it's like you're fucking sadistic. you put me in pain and you enjoy it. I know you know this. why? i thought you love me. what the fuck is going on? it's horrible. I'm blamed for everything! I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE THERE FOR IT TO BE MY FAULT! sometimes, i think you're trying to see how far you can push me. I was made for you to step all over me. i know i let you but it's because i'd rather be the one hurt then letting you get hurt. but you know what? sometimes you gotta feel the agony to gain strength. no pain no gain. quit being a dick. no matter how much i tell you, how long i plead, you still treat me the same. then give me the " i just miss you" excuse. shit, i miss you too but i'm not putting you through hell because i'm there.

tonight, i want to sleep in the dark without music. let the darkness take over me. let silence consume me. I don't want to feel this empty void where my heart should be. Where is my heart anyways? my torn up, beaten to bits, bloody, shard stabbed heart. i don't want this heart. but i need it to survive. why can't i be like iron man? the nigga gots a light where his heart should be.

Thanks wahwah. for putting up with my stupidity. it's outrageous. how mature i act yet how immature i am for being this way. thanks for listening when others don't. i know it's because i've worn them out with the same problem but you listen to the other crap they don't care for. thanks<3

my other half, my baby boo

i hope you feel the same way too

i hate being so weak. i hate being how i am. i hate myself. i cant make anyone happy. my goal in life was NOT to make people miserable. but fuck, that's all i know how to do. help me=[

i want to bang my head against broken glass. i want to lose myself and just pass out. i want my heart to stop beating so i can be heartless and not care about everything but i'm only human. my stupid heart cares too much.

no one knows how much i care though. how ironic. i'm so used to hiding how i feel so no one can hurt me but i was foolish. by doing so i'm hurting myself. whenever i look in the mirror. i see a fuck up, a whore, a mistake. i don't like what i am but the only way to change it is to cause more damage. i just cant do it.

day and night. the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night

i love that song.

MHS homecoming festival tmrw, i wna go to see Oso[=

my bologna has a first name! it's O-s-c-a-r
my bologna has a second name it's M-a-y-e-r
Oh I love to eat it everyday and if you ask me why i'll say:
cause Oscar Mayer has a way with B-o-l-o-g-n-a!

that was all for you Oso<3 lol

I'm all alone

Look up at the stars they laugh at me
Cause I screwed it up
I know what I said
I hear it again and again in my head

Today was a crappy day. I was late. I coudlnt get the stupid top on, it kept slipping off. after the rally, i took some pictures. I wanted to take a picture with Tien when i saw him then my camera breaks. i'm STILL EXTREMELY pissed off about that. wasted half my day being mad. then when i calmed down, i got really sleepy and fell asleep during Senor A's class. Went home, tried to make my toga & kept poking myself with the safety pin. Got mad at kevin for not helping me & for his crappy recording. I asked him to record me for Tahitian and it was crap. i got hella mad. it was just fucking pointless. asked him to do something for me so i dont have to do it the hard way [ im already in a bad mood ] he was like okay. and just layed there. i was like wow okay nvm then. it was one of those moments where i only want it when i ask for it, not later on when i'm mad. my right arrow on my keyboard is broken. i cant take pictures for tmrw's football game because my fucking camera is broken. UGHHH WTF!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? i think the only good thing was going to college night and seeing john & steven there. hung out with steven and heizell later on. it was cool.

i seriously need some real female friends. not those acquaintances who i can say hi to. i need a real friend who doesn't fucking bail on me cause of some guy or richer girls. someone i can actually talk to about my stupid girl problems. there are some things girls can do and guys cant. this is pathetic. FML

I know what i did wasn't clever but me and you were meant to be together

tomorrow is the thingy that has AJ Rafael and other performers. I'm not sure if i'll make it on time =/ I bought my HC dress today.[= it's black and glittery. today was an off day.

I didn't pay attention during LC training. school's been calling home saying that i ditch class. some girl in my accounting class was tlking shit abt tahitian dance club so i had to set her right. my LC kids are retarded. I dont like those stupid freshmen. I dont see why they have to act so immature. shittt, c/o 10 wasn't like that when we were freshmen. majority of us were actually fine. c/o 13? acts like boppers. it's sad. but whatever. i sent one of the kids out. he annoyed me deeply.

tahitian practice ended early. i signed up for like 7 clubs. haha i gotta find a way to manage it though cause some of them are on the same day.

got in an argument with my mom. it was a pointless argument but i was still mad about it so i left. khoi and heizell asked me to hang out with them. we went to pho yen and got pho. it was fun. i paid for it cause i only had a 50. haha i dont have anymore small change so yeeah. i bought a dress later on. we well they were going to go to the football game today but i didnt want to. i just wanted to go home so khoi suggested we go to his house. we watched pirates of the carribean " at world's end. i fell asleep during it. then went home at 8 30 cause my sister called me.

no one noticed i was home. around 10 mikey came over and we hung out. i love venting to him. i feel so much better without all the anger. there's something about him that let's me just talk without all the anger i have. it's amazing.

called bernard. he's at his friend's house. i wish i had that much freedom to just go out for that long. soon. i can't wait to move out.

my nails glow in the dark.

Whatcha sayyyy... that you only meant well. well of course you didnt.

long weekend. i wanted to participate in DB when they went to treasure island but i ended up having to work. it was a bad weekend. everything was going to end badly. i talked to oso a lot. he really helps. i miss him. and pescado. haha I wanted to visit MHS but then remembered that they don't go there anymore. TAHITIAN PRACTICE HURTS! my thighs burn like crazy! rawr.

so i got a better job[= same place. but i'm in charge of the place. muahaha. it's pretty fun.

i think i'm sick? i'm out of text for this month=[

i miss dragon boating. i'm going to pierce my cartilage. i want a universal bar but my sister thinks it'll be ugly. so i'm just going to get one more piercing on my ear then get a belly piercing.

sigh, tahitian today was annoying. we only ran the routine twice. they should make it more clear-_- making us do more work doesnt seem to improve anything. just run it over and over. drill it into our minds. blah.

idk. i kinda miss you

My tears gone cold, i'm wondering why i got out of bed at all

any one that has ever told me they love [besides my mom] ends up leaving me. sometimes it's on intentionally but they still leave. a majority of the time it's my fault though so I shouldn't be complaining. I was tired so i put my head down. I get cranky when someone wakes me up. I pushed him away. I ended up napping for a bit. When I woke up, he left. I saw him sitting at the bench. I was wearing socks and flip flops so i went inside to put it away. when i came out he was gone. I felt so abandoned. He thinks i'm ignoring him. I'm just tired.

I'm sorry I let her hear the recording. I thought you're hella close to her. ur one of her best friends. it's not like she was going to mock you or anything.

He called, asked if i was coming, i said no, he hung up.

Everyone eventually leaves. They can only handle me to a certain extent. I don't blame them. I'm not worth the shit they have to go through. In my eyes, it's nothing hard but it probably is to them.

Why don't you tell me where it hurts?

Damn, this song has always gotten to me. Well I had a crap day. I dont understand why the melancholy feelings keep coming to me. Why do I feel so lonely? I don't get it. I don't know where I'm going in life. I hate that. I hate not knowing. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. It's not going to happen but I'm wishing it will. Haha, I might just be hella stupid. I can't think! I can't do anything! UGHHH!!!

I hate feeling like I let something so good go... Did I?

peach green tea with strawberry pudding

so yummy. long day. i was constantly sleepy though. i miss my man. haha tahitian was fun today. I'm planning on joining viet club and east indian club. yay. more clubs. i like dragon boat. it's so fun. i can only go to tuesday practices though=[ stupid work on weekends. Oh yeah, I quit my other job and got a better one. better pay too[= i need to start going to interact. i havent been there in so long. -_- i keep forgetting about it though. spain this spring break! sigh. college searching. i don't want to stay in san jose. I want to leave. fresno looks nice. looks boring but i don't mind. san diego looks pretty good too. nice beach[= but housing is so expensive. one room with nothing in it would cost twice as much as the place i want in fresno except the fresno one has 2 rooms and it's furnished.

the dance is on friday. yay. time to practice my tahitian skills. hahah , after i gain some xD

i feel so bloated.

i hope you die.

So I'm sure most of you have seen the news about Annie Le, the missing Yale grad student. She is my cousin from my dad's side. I was suppose to attend her wedding but now I'll have to attend her funeral. It really sickens me how far some people will go to sabotage others. Have they no human emotions? No shame? Pity? Regrets? I don't want to go to her funeral. I don't want to see how she looks like. I don't even know what she looks like right now. I haven't seen her in years and now she's gone. Just like that. I hope her slayer gets the worst death of all. maybe it wont be now but later on. karma's a bitch. if it's a male [ and im guessing it most likely is] i pray he gets hit by a car into a tree with the branches going through his eyes and the glass from the car cutting into his face and throat. haha like a final destination type of thing but better. someone should shove a super dull knife into his penis. how exciting. and if it was a girl. i hope she gets caught in a fire, burning all her skin and hair off. i hope she gets her arms and legs amputated so no one will ever want her.

Humans are the most evil animals. We are the only ones that kill for fun. Other animals kill for self defense or out of fear. I don't like humans. We suck. I think that humans see themselves superior to everything else in this world so we tend to push it. a tiger can come at us and kill oh so easily but we can shoot it down just as easy. a shark can tear us to pieces but a torpedo can demolish it just as simple. they do this to protect themselves. why do we do it? to hurt them. we're greedy and that's all we are. maybe all this negativity is coming out so awkwardly because i'm in a bad mood. There are some things I wish I never did so I wouldn't know what it felt like.

I'm trying to make the best out of my senior year but family is still holding me back. i'm debating on whether or not to go to a far away college. not super far but a couple hours away. mom isn't getting any better and i don't know what will happen. i'm not making any progress in life. I can't do anything. I'm still stuck as a prisoner and I really want to leave it all behind. I want to take a couple people with me but sometimes I rather just be alone. It's as if I hurt everyone I care for. and some gets it way worse than others. I've hurt some people ,that I deeply care for, SO much that they've cut me out of their lives. i don't blame them. I'd leave me if I were them. I don't understand how your minds work. i really don't understand it.

at one point today I was really happy. until i was told that most likely it was just a lie to cover up from last night. i don't believe it was a lie. but maybe it isn't completely true either. i keep trying to alternate between you guys but it's so hard. the people i care for the most truely hate each other. I want us to all be friends and cool with each other but I'm sure there's no way in hell that would ever happen. i'm not quite satisfied with my blog but i needed to get somethings off my chest. i want to create another holocaust. haha one for smokers and all the killers caught. i want to put them all in a room with acidic gas. slow painful death. how fun.

ain't no way i'm gon letchu down

haha middle schoolers asking for an ass beating. how dare they frame my sister. some shit is going to go down. for those who actually know me, i'm not very violent. only when it comes to kevin then i'm violent. but shit i'm willing to give that shit up and beat the crap out of these bitches. they better be scared of me cause i can be a fucking monster.


ID pictures for seniors was today. HAHA MINE CAN TOP YOURSSS!!!!

so we can just go

hm, how do i get rid of my easily annoyed mood? i don't like when someone commands me around. it just pisses me off. and i dont like when someone gets mad at me for being me. you annoy me too. i dont get mad at you for it though. i just get annoyed. im not going to give you a fucking attitude and make you feel stupid the whole fucking time.

i just remembered something that hella bugged me. i was watching G.I Joe with him and there was this part that I found amusing but no one else did. it was more of a " you'd catch it if you were smart" type of thing. i found the sarcasm funny. so i laughed and he got mad at me. wtf?

it's whatever. i've learn to let go.



HAHAHA SIKE. yeah right. i'll fucking hold you to it. be annoyed all you want. you're still a jerk. and i'm a bitch. I know. I don't care. I seriously hate when I'm being told to do something so simple. It's annoying, just fucking chill. I'll get to it. you're not going to die cause I don't do it. And you're not going to die if I do. gahh.

you wna know why i blog? it's cause 1) I don't have anyone to tell it to or 2) Someone that I can talk to is busy so I become a loser and put it all here. ha ha ha-_-

Don't you ever leave the side of me

So leave it behind cause we gotta night to get away
So come and fly with me as we make our great escape

School starts soon. senior ID's and schedule pick up is this Wednesday. I'm going to be a fucking senior. My hair is brown. So i kinda ran away for a week. first to jessie, then to bernard. I got tired of being home. I got sick of feeling what i felt, I had to get away, I was kind of going crazy. It's pretty selfish of me but I think it's better than getting suicidal and not solving anything at all. I left and I guess that's when everything went downhill for my family. I think I fucked up pretty bad. I made my mom really sad. I wanted to talk to someone about this but "what you reap is what you sow" i've been breaking out. it's a pain in the ass. i think i'm going to have to wear make up for the picture -_-

i'm semi cleaning my room. material wise, i'm ready for school. learning wise, i'm not. i don't know why. i feel really weird. I have no idea why. i don't feel capable of remembering things. esp places. it's something i can't explain. i just want one more carefree day. i'm not going to get it though. i wonder what i'm getting next year. i hope i didn't fuck up on anything. I don't have the requirements it takes for UC but i do for state. Donnie says I gotta work my ass off cause I don't have the grades like Bernard has. He can pretty much go anywhere with that fcking 4.0 and his extra curicular actives and shit. haha fucking nerd. I don't like his mom very much.. The time I got to stay with him was fun. beach, mini golf, movie night, date, bowling, soak city. it was great. we had little arguments but it never got worse than " bitch ass". that was pretty much the worse. we turn away then after a couple minutes to cool down, it's all good. i loved it.

until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you.

i miss those days. haha i used to love that song. i wonder why i dont listen to story of the year or switchfoot anymore. my head hurts. anytime- ray j. damn. it reminds me of so muchh.

so nice- dj ironik. i fucking hate this song. because it's so nice and reminds me of my fuck up so damn much. haha this is so stupidddd. i'm learning. ughhh. it's on repeat now. i can't get the fucking song out of my head. so many memories and shit. fuck.

i took forever to blog this crap. i don't really know what to say. i'm a bothered girl. i'm better now though. i found a letter from bnard. it made me feel a lot better.

A Dream To Life
If I was to come back as one thing
I would like to be your King
To have my queen in my arms
away from all the harm
This love I present
to show you that I represent
I love you with a capital U
Which means I can't stop thinking about us two
There are times I wanna cry
There are times I wanna die
But you came and told me
"Bernard I need you"
Say no more, my heart is yours
Take me away to a place we can stay
For the rest of our life
I'll keep on saying
I love you my Wife
Till death do us part,
Here is my heart.

i'm in love with the way that you smile and the way you look in my eyes.
stupid song is stuck in my head. when i started this blog, it was down by jay sean. now it's so nice. rawrrr!

broken scale

gah, i'm so chinky.

you dont like me, i'm not fond of you

you're not mature just bright. look past your circle. he needs you.

I had a good day. I felt bad though that because I went, Liaw didn't. I learned some new things. It felt good. Bro said I looked happier when I did martial arts with you and practiced on you. He said now i'm stressing over this. and maybe i am. i can't seem to let go for some damn reason.
I was really hoping to see you today so that maybe hopefully I'd be able to talk to you. maybe next time.

& the fish swam out of the ocean

still stuck in something i don't want to be in. this time it's best vs best.

i live a lie. im not worth the time. you guys pity me for not being able to find my way. i know where it is. im jst too coward to step up. fml. so many mistakes i've made. i don't regret all of it but i'm not proud of it either. haha i think suicide is finally an option[=

i'm going to eventually lose everyone so might as well make it all at once. i'm tired. haha i'm not meant to be happy.

i hope she sends me away.

cause i'll pull down a cloud for you

college searching.

i had a nice talk with Tina today :D haha it's been such a long time since I've had someone to talk to. it was nice. i told her how i was feeling. the shit i couldn't tell anyone else cause it's like everyone else judges. it was nice though. it made me realize a lot of things. and i'm going to stop running.

i want to tell you what happened. you're going to hate me so much. but you deserve to know. haha, i don't know. so here goes. i'm ready for you to hate me all out.

we took a break for a couple months because things went so wrong. so we broke it off for a while. until we could chill and fix it. during the time he got a girlfriend and i met you. you became the center of my world instantly. i'm not even going to lie anymore. you were all i could think about. your laugh, your face, your cute random text, your voice, the convo's we had the night before. alla that good stuff. but then he came back and I had to stop. I promised him something and I couldn't go back on my words. but damn, i was so happy. so so so happy. i wasnt going to go back but too many people started telling me that we rushed things too much and everything was too fast. i fell under peer pressure. i cant believe i actually fell under it. i fell under it and went back. you were so great, so loving and you had so much of the qualities that i look for. you hella hate me. haha i know you do. so much done and so much lost. i'm hella selfish. i wanted to keep you. i seriously wanted to but shit got worse, you kept holding on while i had to get away. it hurts like hell. the best thing i had in my life for the longest time, i had to let go because of a promise i made. i can't change it now.

haha i care so much now. i dont even need to care. fml.

[ flash back of late nights camming while on the phone reading fml and sending each other the ones we thought were funny. ]

I'll circle the stars and bring you one back
I'll walk through the sun for you
Cause there's somethin you do
That got me walkin on the moon

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET HER CUT IT! SHOULD HAVE WAITED! SHOULD HAVE ASKED TINA! SHOULD HAVE DONE IT MYSELF AND HAVE SOMEONE SEMI FIX IT. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. should have waited. another regret.

its ugly. its ugly. its ugly. i cant tie it. im hating on it. i want chocolate. im so annoyed with it. fucking shit fuck shit.

YES, I LOVE MY HAIR. I HATE WHEN ITS CUT IN THE WAY I DONT WANT. UF3GFUIGDF

learn to have hope

I wonder where it all went. Where the fuck did it all go? seriously. haha im so confusing. im standing still; im not running away. i'm learning. i swear i am. i care that you hate me, i care that i broke you. i care that i let go when i shouldnt. idk. whenever i think back, i regret it. it could have been perfect. it should have been. no it shouldnt have but it could have been. still learning. still trying.

don't ditch summer school

so i missed ONE day of summer school and my grade went from an A to a C+ fml. sigh. im gna drop a test and a quiz. bnard and lililan are playing 13 on my back cause im laying here and blogging.

things are still the same. i fucked up though. i tried to be friends with him but i failed. how the fuck does someone fail at being friends with an ex? ugh. epic phaillluree.

i wonder what my bear is up to. i havent seen him in a long ass time. i miss him. i miss pescado too. haha

some shit is going on. i had no idea wtf happened.

sorry for being so vauge but i just dont feel like explaining

continuing...

i know i gotta change, so i will. i hate being myself anyways. thanks guys! haha i know i was suppose to type like an essay out but after going out i realized, you don't need to know me and you shouldn't know me. i'm a bitch. i'm a whore. i'm fucked up. i'll break you apart and not care. i'm heartless. etc. oops there I go telling you about me.

there's always time to start over. if not, i'll die alone and young [=

beyond "no return"

I can't believe i'm finally at the part of my life that makes me pick between people. I'm in so much drama, i'm suffocating and slowly trying to kill myself. haha I'm pathetic. LOL what's worse is that i cant talk to anyone about it so i post it on blogger. wow. i've finally reached that level. i'm a loser. whatever. i need to go. i will blog later.

Its easy to hate its harder to love me yall dont understand yall quickly to judge me

hm, my first time being in a car accident. i wasnt the driver though. my head hurts hella bad. -_- the idiot car in front of us did a sharp stop and my mom didnt see that coming so she had to brake hella fast and the guy behind us hit us. he was cool though, took full responsibilty for it.

sigh, so lately i've been having to prove to pretty much everyone that i know how to care and shit related to that. i think i've cut off my human senses so much that i'm the only one who seems to feel like this is normal. i hurt your feelings? so? why the fuck do i care? i'm not human. i'm just stuck in a human body.

it's so sad. it's like i dont have a single real friend in this world. the person i thought i could tell pretty much everything to is starting to drift from me because of a certain someone's visit. it's whatever. i dont care. i never show i care anyways right? so i probably really dont care. im trying to spend as much time as possible with bnard before he goes home cause i haven't seen him in 11 months and i'm only getting to spend about a week and a half with him then he goes back to fucking LA. i'm trying to make time for everyone but fuck if you really want to see me then fucking come here. i dont have the fucking time to go to your place and settle things. i have other shit to do. -_-

yesterday was oso's 17th birthday and i couldnt even go to his party cause i had no fucking way there and even if i did go, it would just be fucking drama. i would have caused oso to not have fun cause then he'd have to watch me or be worried i would do something stupid. hm in a way now that i think about it, i'm semi glad that i couldn't go.

i hope something hits me hard so i can go into a coma and just sleep this shit off. i'm sick of having to prove im human. fuck, if you guys don't believe me then it's whatever. i'm done trying to fucking prove these little things. and the most gayest shit of all, this whole thing is like a 4 front war. i can only pick one side to be on and fight the rest of people i love. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT. best friend, best friend, best friend or ex boyfriend that would have done anything i could have wanted.

1. i cant be the type of friend you want. that requires too much attention and time that i don't have right now. we had an agreement and you.. you sold me out. i cant run on your schedule nor am i asking you to run on mine. i dont have much to really say to you anymore. i just know i can't trust you.
2. i'm sorry for lying to you. no need to force yourself into still being my friend. i know i'm crap to you at this point too. i would say that if i were you i'd hate me but i cant say that cause you dont get what i'm going through. you just think you do.
3. you need to fucking chill. my steps towards him doesnt mean i'm abandoning you. you're still my best friend so stop fucking acting like a little ass bitch with this shit. shit you don't know what i'm going through either. you werent brought up the way i was. i didnt follow the hype like you did and you cant be compassionate like i am. well, like i WAS.
4. forever isn't enough. thank you for trying to cope with me and dealing with my shit even though you have no part in any of it and just get abused for it. thank you for sticking around for all those years and putting up with all the pain and sorrow i've thrown at you. " the struggle is nothing but love"

i've bottled up so much for so long it's like i've lost that bottle along with emotions and facial ezpressions. all i have now is sarcasm and drama. it's just fantasic, ain't it?

"I’ve done been through the pain and the sorrow
the struggle is nothing but love"

I hope it's worth it in the end.

My calves are soreee!

IDANCE try outs since tuesday to today and final day is tomorrow. hopefully i'll make it.

i got a damn truancy letter and I didn't even ditch enough to deserve it. the classes that i supposedly "ditched" are impossible to ditch! 3rd & 4th! O_o the fuck? i need to go to 3rd because i'm behind in that class and 4th is dance. why the hell would i ditch that!? -_- i'm annoyed with my mother right now. really really annoyed. can't wait till summer. I need some shit to do though. summer school and hopefully dragon boat.

blahh. i've been busy with school and dancing that i helllaaa forgot about life. haha how sad.

25 more days

school ends so soon. ugh. i'm stuck in a position where I have no idea what I'm the doing and the people that I should be telling this to, I can't tell. I'm going to miss my cousin's wedding reception for the SAT's Subject Test. Hopefully, I will score better than the reasoning test. Kevin sucks at bomberman. After continuosly bugging me about what a crappy game it is, I challenged him to play. It took him 5 full seconds to kill himself. hahaha what a loser right? I think it's the most simplest game and it takes him FOREVER to get the hang of it but whatever i'm not going to say anything about it.

I couldnt focus on the test today nor did I yesterday. It was weird. I just stared at my paper for the longest time and then fall asleep. I could have actually finished it but I kept falling asleep. I had like 15 more questions and then the bell rang. Kevin says i sleep a lot but I don't think so. I think English just bores me.

Hm, so now I'm undecided about life after highschool. school, job, "people"; It's complicated so there isn't a point in explaining.

I should be singing right now to practice for the audition thing later. my sister wants me to sing 1000 miles for her talent show. -_- I can't sing to save my life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIEN!

YOU'RE FINALLY 17 LIKE THE REST OF US! [=

you're going to get dirty, i hope you aren't wearing white cause i'd feel bad for getting all this chocolate on it xD

rain rain go away

it's an ugly day. the sky is crying and it's eyes are pooofy! i'm stuck at home blogging and my brother is next to me playing bomberman. damn i miss Seattle. haha the first time I met some of my cousins, we played bomberman and she owned me. so we broke up and now we're just talking. idk what's up with it so i'm just going with the flow to see what happens. School ends in a month. i'm going to be a freaking senior. wowwww. it's too fast! tien's birthday is on monday! MUAHAHA

cutie (1:26:10 PM): how cute

cutie (1:26:13 PM): you can growl

cutie (1:26:15 PM): like a puppy

cutie (1:26:16 PM): hahahaha

jeenyus (1:26:45 PM): haha

jeenyus (1:26:47 PM): bark

jeenyus (1:26:50 PM): XD

jeenyus (1:26:56 PM): wait

jeenyus (1:26:56 PM): NO

jeenyus (1:27:02 PM): I'm NOT YOUR DOG!

cutie (1:27:28 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

that was hilarious to me. [=

soy aburrida

F.U TIEN+KEVIN! I'm going to be alone for the next 3 days! GAHH! [ not including Tuesday]

BOTC was today[= It was fun. I dance and I messed up on one part but I doubt anyone noticed it haha. It's weird! I saw him EVERYWHERE at school today! -_- the urge to smack him across the face for leaving me then hugging him because I slapped him is starting to grow stronger. I wonder how much longer I'm going to keep up with this. I swear, I get sad inside whenever I see him.

I was pretty pissed off yesterday. I just wanna yell and bitch and scream at them for being able to make me feel this way. giving me space? bullshit. i'm not hella attached to my boyfriend. -_- i would know if I am. I hate people assuming so much shit about me and never asking. then I'd get hit with the " well you didnt tell me" NO FUCKING SHIT. CAUSE YOU DON'T FUCKING ASK, YOU JUST ASSUME. ugh. i'm getting so fed up with this nonsense! make up your fucking mind. I've been told that they both love me like a sister like i'm their blood. psh, yeah right. blood that they've disowned because they think they should give me space. what type of bullshit excuse is that? I'm not the one trying to make everything different. I'm not even doing anything wrong and you guys are STILL making me feel like I've changed oh so much. this is pointless. If you wanna talk then just talk. I have a phone, I have aim, myspace, facebook, xanga, blogger, yahoo, msn, gmail, and friendster. I have everything you guys do so why is it SOO hard for you guys to keep in touch? I can't be expected to do everything.

GET A ROOM!

Day N' Nite

Damn, Military Ball last night was the shit. [ lol! does anyone use that phrase anymore?] I got there around 5 30 nd it's suppose to let people in around 6. I was there pretty early with Nelson cuhz he had to work so I sat there like a loner then Liaw came and I was just like =D We took pictures first so it wouldn't be hella crowded when the rest of the people arrived. The food was alright. I had pasta [= soo.. let's skip to the dancing haha

Liaw and I scared off hella couples with our freak dancing. It was pretty much like sex on the dance floor. lmfao. I've never done that freaky shit before so it was pretty amusing for me xD I think around 11 ish, the music was cut due to people freaking like something's going down tonight ;D so Liaw and I were like SORRY GUYS! THAT WAS OUR FAULT! WE DIDN'T MEAN TO! xD the people around were actually agreeing with us haha.

HAHAHA NELSON DANCED TO "SINGLE LADIES" AND WON. that was fucking hilarious. some guy kept shoving me so I almost fell into John's lap. That would have been awkward. haha, I hope it's on youtube already xD

Man, Liaw, you're a freak. you Almost out-whored me. ALMOST. [=

The happiness I've felt for the past 2 weeks can't compare to the mother-fucking pain I've felt in the past 3 days. I understand you guys are tyring to protect me, and you guys really care. I understand it, I really reallly do. But why can't you guys see what I see? You keep telling me I've changed but you don't tell me how. You want me to figure this shit out by myself? Fine. One of these days I will. I hope you enjoy the time it takes me to get it.

This pain... when *e*** lied to me about cheating.. it didnt hurt this much. When i found out *e***** hurt me after that stupid argument we had..It didn't hurt this much either. When I found out *i*** was moving to another school, it didn't hurt this much. When *r**** stopped being my friend it didn't hurt this much.
But *o**** disowning me as a friend, *i*** barely talking to me and telling me I'm shutting him out, *l**** telling me I've changed so much and not telling me why... it hurts a lot. It's more than I can handle. It's too much at once. and to top it off *e***** hasn't been talking to me lately either.

you guys think i'm getting way in, too deep with Liaw when you guys won't talk to me, won't tell me and won't hear me out. He IS. HE listens to it all and it's not like he agrees with everything but he's willing to deal with it with me.

I'm starting to wonder if I should even be having this feeling of happiness. You guys are always telling me how you'd want me to be happy cuhz I've been through too much and yet, you won't let me. You tell me it's fine, go ahead, but you're still holding me back from actually going for it.

I'm not trying to shut anyone out, I'm not getting in too deep with Liaw, I'm not replacing anyone, and the main thing that's really bugging me: I'm not any different.

I wish I never promised I wouldn't overdose. I wish I didn't promise not to cut. I wish I didn't promise not to commit suicide. I wish I wasn't selfish, wanting to find happiness, but we can't always have what we want can we?

good things come to an end.

I'm still shocked. I don't know. My chest hurts. I'm in pain. Fuck my life, fuck the world. People come and go, I know that. It sucks that they're always the one that are so close to me. They get a better chance at ripping my heart out and throwing it away like a meaningless object. Distance should never be the reason to drift apart. Neither is having a new person in your life. You said you'd always be my friend and now you're abandoning me because you think I'm shutting you out. I've NEVER even tried to shut you out. You just don't ask me about certain things so I don't tell you. You don't tell me certain things either. It's not fair! You guys always make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside enough to spill my guts to you, but you barely tell me anything.


I'm not meant to be happy. My happiness hurts people I care for. I know, you don't want to be my friend anymore and you don't care and this whole thing is pointless, but still, I love you. I told you you'd always be my pescado. I wasn't planning on going back on my words. I hope some day, we'll be friends again and everything will be cool.

I'm closing up my heart; I'm building a stronger, taller, bigger wall around my heart so no one can get in besides the ones already there. I am not going to be immune to pain forever, but right now I'm so used to it that it seems like a natural thing. IT SHOULDN'T BE.

For now, I'm gonna do what Kevin does and shut it all out. I'm not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me anymore.

Always a good day with you

Woke up early cuhz Liaw called me. Got up and got ready to get lunch with Fisher. We went to some ramen place down in JapanTown. It was pretty yummy. I've been eating a lot today. We walked around for a bit then went to get some candy! Hurray for Hi-Chews. I fcking LOVE them.

Went to Gmall in attempt to look for tube socks. We found some at Journey's but that shit was like 5 pairs for $9.00 and I was like nah, cost too much. It's not like I'd wear them a lot so it seemed like a waste of money for me. Called up my boyfriend and he said to go to target to get some. We picked him up and went to Target and TA-DA! They have tube socks! In green! and other colors but GREEN! I was happy cuhz they look nice[=

Hung out with Liaw for a while and went to school. sat near the lake and it was just really nice. We laid in the grass and talked and texted then after a while, the sky got darker and the moon+ stars came out and it was just beautiful<3 then a duck scared me and he laughed. jerk. xD

Today was a good day ^_^

man, it's too early!

insomnia- craig david [= and im watching spongebob the movie.

it's a chill song. haha i'm up so early!

i got up at like 5 this morning, i slept early haha.

i feel like I fucked up somehow. Me being happy scares my friends. haha Lately, I've been really happy because of my boyfriend, and I've been doing things I usually don't do. like ditching practice, going against lent, getting in trouble and staying out late. But he's worth it.

I've been told that I act like my world revolves around him... It doesn't.. I just like him. A LOT. I just have a lot to show and now I finally have someone I can show it to that won't reject it. It's a really good feeling to have someone you care for this way really appreciate you and not take whatever you give them for granted. you KNOW that the only other person that I felt this way for took it all for granted. Liaw won't do that to me.

I'm sorry I worried you guys with my obsession. It won't happen again anytime soon. xD Liaw is for keeps<3 when someone makes you feel this great about yourself, I don't think you'd want to let them go so easily.

I'm really sorry I got you and pescado worried but I'm also really glad you guys cared so much. Thanks for allowing me to be so happy. ^_^ It means A lot. Thanks for introducing me to Liaw too. haha

I am not of this world, I am something else

I am- Novel

one of the best songs I've heard in a while. welll, winter break is almost over and this is one of the best breaks I've had. I actually got to chill, relax, do my homework and whatever else I was invited to. [=

I met some cool people and I had fun[= haha the rainy days made me stay home and do homework. I didnt get fat cuhz I had swim practice and stuff to keep me busy. I saw Mikey! [=

Man, I'm kinda bummed school starts tomorrow and I haven't finished reading the Great Gatsby =[ i don't see why Oliver says this book is so good. I'm so bored of it. I guess the beginning of it wasn't interesting so I assumed the rest isn't good either.

Yay, schoool! haha I'm still torn betweeen CCOC or S,P&P.. ehh I'll find out tomorrow.

man no more sleeping and staying up! rawrrr. [=

pmsing again

man, i hate that time of month. i crave chocolate and blah blah. i should be looking for my physical note from my doctor right now but im kinda lazy. i really wanna swim right now. it's been relaxing me so much this week. haha. i jsut hate coming home smelling like chlorine and having itchy skin.

i signed up for SATs last night and I'm taking it in March at SJSU [= Martin told me that " [it's] cake" but I'm still kinda worried. I should be aiming for the 600's. the math is basic alg. and geo but I should start reading a lot for the critical reading, and writing. I'm pretty weak in critical writing.

blahhh! im taking the SAT review test right now. laterrr!

big mistake

i think you've been away from me for too long. this morning i practically threw myself at him and it was just ALL weird. i'm trying to get at someone else. maybe i dont want anyone? haha i do want a boyfriend though. sigh* I think Tien should just get a damn tatt already so he can quit drawing on himself. it's ink poison! but then again tatts are probably like that too. i have hella homework today. math ape chem. BLAH.

im re-reading Twilight again for the 5th time. haha i want the whole series and just spend a whole day reading all 4 books. it would be fun. well for me. it doesnt take me long to read those books even though people complain and tell me that it takes them days to finish one book. yay. almost friday[= haha i get excited when i get a new phone. i like taking an hour figuring everything out. i do that to my friends phones too. like bernard, tien, mikey, oliver, heizell. i'd take it and just look around. not being nosy, i just dont like having to ask people " how do you work this?" like when i first got my chocolate, a lot of people didnt know how to end it and they thought it was like an ipod where the center spins... yeeah. it annoyed me when people say " i keep pressing end but it wont turn off!" [thats cuhz they press back, not end.] and when they say " i think your phone is frozen, it's not working" [cuhz they try to spin the middle]

i called him this morning, like i do every morning and it made my day. haha i love knowing that i make him happy =D

i cant call tien anymore=[

i named my piercing Vinh. and at the moment, Vinh hurts. haha i swabbed alcohol on it and it was stinginggg!!!

im getting my LG shine on friday. i dont even have a use for phones anymore. haha the shine is pretty nice though. i swicthed to cingular today so bye bye Verizon. I CANT CALL TIEN TO BUG HIM[= haha it's not like i called him much anyway though. it's jsut verizon reminds me of him. blah blah blah but yay at least i'll have texting[=

homework is boring. so much junk food around me and i cant eat it. wow. this is soooo hard to do! it's hellla tempting. tolerbone, nutella, lindor truffles, sun flower seeds and cashews. =[

swim season is coming up. damn i needa get my grades up to join the team. damnn. im such a fatty haha im gonna drown. and im gonna need big bandaids. and im gonna have an ugly tan. totally worth it though. ugh. i need to make up dance moves for jazz 2. rawr!