& the fish swam out of the ocean

still stuck in something i don't want to be in. this time it's best vs best.

i live a lie. im not worth the time. you guys pity me for not being able to find my way. i know where it is. im jst too coward to step up. fml. so many mistakes i've made. i don't regret all of it but i'm not proud of it either. haha i think suicide is finally an option[=

i'm going to eventually lose everyone so might as well make it all at once. i'm tired. haha i'm not meant to be happy.

i hope she sends me away.

cause i'll pull down a cloud for you

college searching.

i had a nice talk with Tina today :D haha it's been such a long time since I've had someone to talk to. it was nice. i told her how i was feeling. the shit i couldn't tell anyone else cause it's like everyone else judges. it was nice though. it made me realize a lot of things. and i'm going to stop running.

i want to tell you what happened. you're going to hate me so much. but you deserve to know. haha, i don't know. so here goes. i'm ready for you to hate me all out.

we took a break for a couple months because things went so wrong. so we broke it off for a while. until we could chill and fix it. during the time he got a girlfriend and i met you. you became the center of my world instantly. i'm not even going to lie anymore. you were all i could think about. your laugh, your face, your cute random text, your voice, the convo's we had the night before. alla that good stuff. but then he came back and I had to stop. I promised him something and I couldn't go back on my words. but damn, i was so happy. so so so happy. i wasnt going to go back but too many people started telling me that we rushed things too much and everything was too fast. i fell under peer pressure. i cant believe i actually fell under it. i fell under it and went back. you were so great, so loving and you had so much of the qualities that i look for. you hella hate me. haha i know you do. so much done and so much lost. i'm hella selfish. i wanted to keep you. i seriously wanted to but shit got worse, you kept holding on while i had to get away. it hurts like hell. the best thing i had in my life for the longest time, i had to let go because of a promise i made. i can't change it now.

haha i care so much now. i dont even need to care. fml.

[ flash back of late nights camming while on the phone reading fml and sending each other the ones we thought were funny. ]

I'll circle the stars and bring you one back
I'll walk through the sun for you
Cause there's somethin you do
That got me walkin on the moon

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET HER CUT IT! SHOULD HAVE WAITED! SHOULD HAVE ASKED TINA! SHOULD HAVE DONE IT MYSELF AND HAVE SOMEONE SEMI FIX IT. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. should have waited. another regret.

its ugly. its ugly. its ugly. i cant tie it. im hating on it. i want chocolate. im so annoyed with it. fucking shit fuck shit.

YES, I LOVE MY HAIR. I HATE WHEN ITS CUT IN THE WAY I DONT WANT. UF3GFUIGDF

learn to have hope

I wonder where it all went. Where the fuck did it all go? seriously. haha im so confusing. im standing still; im not running away. i'm learning. i swear i am. i care that you hate me, i care that i broke you. i care that i let go when i shouldnt. idk. whenever i think back, i regret it. it could have been perfect. it should have been. no it shouldnt have but it could have been. still learning. still trying.

don't ditch summer school

so i missed ONE day of summer school and my grade went from an A to a C+ fml. sigh. im gna drop a test and a quiz. bnard and lililan are playing 13 on my back cause im laying here and blogging.

things are still the same. i fucked up though. i tried to be friends with him but i failed. how the fuck does someone fail at being friends with an ex? ugh. epic phaillluree.

i wonder what my bear is up to. i havent seen him in a long ass time. i miss him. i miss pescado too. haha

some shit is going on. i had no idea wtf happened.

sorry for being so vauge but i just dont feel like explaining

continuing...

i know i gotta change, so i will. i hate being myself anyways. thanks guys! haha i know i was suppose to type like an essay out but after going out i realized, you don't need to know me and you shouldn't know me. i'm a bitch. i'm a whore. i'm fucked up. i'll break you apart and not care. i'm heartless. etc. oops there I go telling you about me.

there's always time to start over. if not, i'll die alone and young [=

beyond "no return"

I can't believe i'm finally at the part of my life that makes me pick between people. I'm in so much drama, i'm suffocating and slowly trying to kill myself. haha I'm pathetic. LOL what's worse is that i cant talk to anyone about it so i post it on blogger. wow. i've finally reached that level. i'm a loser. whatever. i need to go. i will blog later.

Its easy to hate its harder to love me yall dont understand yall quickly to judge me

hm, my first time being in a car accident. i wasnt the driver though. my head hurts hella bad. -_- the idiot car in front of us did a sharp stop and my mom didnt see that coming so she had to brake hella fast and the guy behind us hit us. he was cool though, took full responsibilty for it.

sigh, so lately i've been having to prove to pretty much everyone that i know how to care and shit related to that. i think i've cut off my human senses so much that i'm the only one who seems to feel like this is normal. i hurt your feelings? so? why the fuck do i care? i'm not human. i'm just stuck in a human body.

it's so sad. it's like i dont have a single real friend in this world. the person i thought i could tell pretty much everything to is starting to drift from me because of a certain someone's visit. it's whatever. i dont care. i never show i care anyways right? so i probably really dont care. im trying to spend as much time as possible with bnard before he goes home cause i haven't seen him in 11 months and i'm only getting to spend about a week and a half with him then he goes back to fucking LA. i'm trying to make time for everyone but fuck if you really want to see me then fucking come here. i dont have the fucking time to go to your place and settle things. i have other shit to do. -_-

yesterday was oso's 17th birthday and i couldnt even go to his party cause i had no fucking way there and even if i did go, it would just be fucking drama. i would have caused oso to not have fun cause then he'd have to watch me or be worried i would do something stupid. hm in a way now that i think about it, i'm semi glad that i couldn't go.

i hope something hits me hard so i can go into a coma and just sleep this shit off. i'm sick of having to prove im human. fuck, if you guys don't believe me then it's whatever. i'm done trying to fucking prove these little things. and the most gayest shit of all, this whole thing is like a 4 front war. i can only pick one side to be on and fight the rest of people i love. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT. best friend, best friend, best friend or ex boyfriend that would have done anything i could have wanted.

1. i cant be the type of friend you want. that requires too much attention and time that i don't have right now. we had an agreement and you.. you sold me out. i cant run on your schedule nor am i asking you to run on mine. i dont have much to really say to you anymore. i just know i can't trust you.
2. i'm sorry for lying to you. no need to force yourself into still being my friend. i know i'm crap to you at this point too. i would say that if i were you i'd hate me but i cant say that cause you dont get what i'm going through. you just think you do.
3. you need to fucking chill. my steps towards him doesnt mean i'm abandoning you. you're still my best friend so stop fucking acting like a little ass bitch with this shit. shit you don't know what i'm going through either. you werent brought up the way i was. i didnt follow the hype like you did and you cant be compassionate like i am. well, like i WAS.
4. forever isn't enough. thank you for trying to cope with me and dealing with my shit even though you have no part in any of it and just get abused for it. thank you for sticking around for all those years and putting up with all the pain and sorrow i've thrown at you. " the struggle is nothing but love"

i've bottled up so much for so long it's like i've lost that bottle along with emotions and facial ezpressions. all i have now is sarcasm and drama. it's just fantasic, ain't it?

"I’ve done been through the pain and the sorrow
the struggle is nothing but love"

I hope it's worth it in the end.