Its easy to hate its harder to love me yall dont understand yall quickly to judge me

hm, my first time being in a car accident. i wasnt the driver though. my head hurts hella bad. -_- the idiot car in front of us did a sharp stop and my mom didnt see that coming so she had to brake hella fast and the guy behind us hit us. he was cool though, took full responsibilty for it.

sigh, so lately i've been having to prove to pretty much everyone that i know how to care and shit related to that. i think i've cut off my human senses so much that i'm the only one who seems to feel like this is normal. i hurt your feelings? so? why the fuck do i care? i'm not human. i'm just stuck in a human body.

it's so sad. it's like i dont have a single real friend in this world. the person i thought i could tell pretty much everything to is starting to drift from me because of a certain someone's visit. it's whatever. i dont care. i never show i care anyways right? so i probably really dont care. im trying to spend as much time as possible with bnard before he goes home cause i haven't seen him in 11 months and i'm only getting to spend about a week and a half with him then he goes back to fucking LA. i'm trying to make time for everyone but fuck if you really want to see me then fucking come here. i dont have the fucking time to go to your place and settle things. i have other shit to do. -_-

yesterday was oso's 17th birthday and i couldnt even go to his party cause i had no fucking way there and even if i did go, it would just be fucking drama. i would have caused oso to not have fun cause then he'd have to watch me or be worried i would do something stupid. hm in a way now that i think about it, i'm semi glad that i couldn't go.

i hope something hits me hard so i can go into a coma and just sleep this shit off. i'm sick of having to prove im human. fuck, if you guys don't believe me then it's whatever. i'm done trying to fucking prove these little things. and the most gayest shit of all, this whole thing is like a 4 front war. i can only pick one side to be on and fight the rest of people i love. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT. best friend, best friend, best friend or ex boyfriend that would have done anything i could have wanted.

1. i cant be the type of friend you want. that requires too much attention and time that i don't have right now. we had an agreement and you.. you sold me out. i cant run on your schedule nor am i asking you to run on mine. i dont have much to really say to you anymore. i just know i can't trust you.
2. i'm sorry for lying to you. no need to force yourself into still being my friend. i know i'm crap to you at this point too. i would say that if i were you i'd hate me but i cant say that cause you dont get what i'm going through. you just think you do.
3. you need to fucking chill. my steps towards him doesnt mean i'm abandoning you. you're still my best friend so stop fucking acting like a little ass bitch with this shit. shit you don't know what i'm going through either. you werent brought up the way i was. i didnt follow the hype like you did and you cant be compassionate like i am. well, like i WAS.
4. forever isn't enough. thank you for trying to cope with me and dealing with my shit even though you have no part in any of it and just get abused for it. thank you for sticking around for all those years and putting up with all the pain and sorrow i've thrown at you. " the struggle is nothing but love"

i've bottled up so much for so long it's like i've lost that bottle along with emotions and facial ezpressions. all i have now is sarcasm and drama. it's just fantasic, ain't it?

"I’ve done been through the pain and the sorrow
the struggle is nothing but love"

I hope it's worth it in the end.